departure. Due to the tension in- volved, these walks were not al- ways enjoyable and did not con- tribute anything of significance to my life.

Susan was a very serious per- son. I had come to trust her. ... to pay attention to her opinions. She was also a careful scholar and able to adhere to the processes of intellectual decision making. I had often kidded her about such things as "what would you think if you knew the real me" and she would most often return the in- quiry to me. She once retorted that, in her opinion, the most ter- rible thing that could befall a per- son was to go through the experi- ence of being stripped naked to the very center of your being and not being found with some cur- ious eccentricity.

on one fateful

And so, Thursday evening, after a period of several weeks of grading un- dergraduate term papers, she call- ed me and asked that I come over to her apartment "just as you are". I had no idea if she might have had any ulterior mo- tives....and I am quite sure that she did not. I knew that I cer- tainly did as I was about to set out on one of my secretive walks down a rainy residential street and was lucky to be home to an- swer the telephone in the first place. I was terribly frustrated at the time of her call. Susan's call only hastened the enevit- able....the time for the taking of a prudent risk had clearly come in my life. Before hanging up, I told her that I would be there in a half hour and that I felt that I needed a little comfort and understanding. This was a

very

common comment from me. I then made the decision to be honest and hope that my life would not be shaken to the roots for making such a radical disclo- I hastened to make the necessary additional prepara- tions.

sure.

Do you ever wonder if you look ludicrous? Can I really "pass" or is it just my imagina- tion? There I was standing be- fore the mirror looking at an image with which I had become very familiar. Tall, dark-haired, given to the wearing of high heels, wearing a conservative out-

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fit. dark pleated skirt, white blouse, a blazer, and overcoat, a small backpack, and some jewelry. Would this image be devastating to her? I made some adjustments. Changed shoes to low sandals. . worked on the makeup a little more...and placed a pair of very tall heels in my pack. I looked at myself from a number of angles and then went outside and closed the door. I very much wanted to do what lay before me and, as a consequence, there was no inner struggling. I proceeded on my way without hesitation.

The night was dark.. the rain had stopped and there were only a few people on the street. I intentionally crossed the narrow sidewalk. A lady smiled - so did I.. nothing alarming. Down to the corner of a busy street I went, waited at a crosswalk, several peo- ple on a bus stop bench watched me approach. Ordinarily, I would have avoided this sort of situation. I even paused to read the posted bus schedule. It seemed that no one cared to pay attention.

My quiet steps quickly mov- ed along and the six blocks were traversed. All through this time I was very aware that I was so tall, yet personified in such a female manner, and so very vulnerable. I am sure that most of you have gone through this type of exper- ience. So far from home and so a- lone!

The plan was to enter the a- partment building by way of a flight of steps in the rear. The a- partments were arranged around an inner courtyard; Susan's apart- ment being on the third and top floor. I met a young lady coming down these well-lighted stairs ap- partently on her way to the park- ing lot. Her eyes met mine and I managed a second smile and was greeted with a reassuring "hi!". I then did something unplanned. . . I went into a first floor alcove where an ice machine was located and changed shoes, to the ones that I had been carrying. I found myself striding up the last flight of stairs in something other than normal street wear. There would be no explaining my behavior as a casual practical joke. Even though I was nervous, I managed a single knock on her door. And there she was. The

pause was only few seconds long. It was quite obvious that this was planned to be a special evening....she had prepared too and was radiant. Her reaction was one of brief amazement. . . . both of her hands were held in front of her mouth for a brief moment. ...then it passed. "Come on in", was all she said and I immediately skipped the few lines I had thought to say. Instead, I told her that I hoped that I had not shocked her too badly and that we had some in- teresting things to talk about. In the next few minutes she accept- ed me. . . .Susan had previously constructed a reasonably accu- rate picture of my personality and found my present behavior to be consistent with what she already knew.

Although we never married, Susan remains my dear friend. I hope to join your society as well. Sincerely,

"Ann"

Janet Lee (NY-303-F) dedicates the following poem to her sister who passed away six years ago.

TO MY BELOVED SISTER

A long time back I must admit there came a certain glow,

Of when my sister dressed me up and to mother she did show.

I remember feeling special and so electrified.

An emotion that ran deep and strong it could not be denied.

I didn't understand back then of what this could actually be

But something really special that allowed me to be ME!!

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